Niceities Not Needed Here
When I was nine, my grandmother died. She was my only grandmother. We were close. People told me she was in a better place. She certainly was (especially as she had come to faith in Christ days before passing). People told me she was no longer hurting. Also true. People told me I was lucky to have known a grandmother at all; some people aren’t so lucky. Again, true. But those comments didn’t help me to heal. They seemed to push me in the direction of “moving on”.
After the death of someone you know and love, you move with their memory, and your love, rather than moving on from your memories and feelings. People who are mourning may need to feel seen, or feel heard, and be allowed to hurt for a substantial amount of time. In John 11 (verses 1-44), Jesus cried after Lazarus died (even knowing He would soon raise His friend from the dead!) So, what can we do to help those who are mourning? Let’s look at a verse found in Romans.
“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Romans 12:15
This is a short simple verse – it’s about creating community around rejoicing AND mourning. Romans 12:15 is about coming alongside. It’s about ministering. To minister means to tend to the needs of someone else.
About ten years later, when I was in college, I experienced death and the mourning process again. My student partner for Orientation died by suicide my freshman year, my “mom” on campus died of cancer my sophomore year, and a friend in our dorm died of meningitis while student teaching abroad in spring of our senior year. While all three deaths were tragic, they were also collectively felt by many members of my campus family. We were mourning together. There were less niceties and more ministering – which is exactly what the verse from Romans is about. We stopped for one another. We rejoiced in fond memories of those we lost, but we also cried together, hugged one another as we traveled to classes, and planned memorials together.
When death happens, and someone is hurting, it is OK to not know what to say. Just come alongside. Just be still and listen. God will prompt you with a way to help or serve those who are hurting if it needs to be more specific than just being around and available. It may be offering a meal, or a ride with them to the grocery store, or to listen as they reminisce. Maybe they need you to “ooh” and “ahh” as they share pictures. Coming alongside is messy but it reflects a servant’s heart. And that reflects God’s heart.
I’ve since experienced more deaths of loved ones, but I also have been blessed to come alongside my loved ones who have lost their own. There are so many passages that support the idea in Romans. In Psalm 30, it talks about how weeping lasts for a night but joy comes in the morning. Ecclesiastes 3 talks about a season for everything! Joy can come after mourning. Life does go on but it can go on more vibrantly when people have been allowed to grieve with support so they can see and experience joy again.
Many of the niceties people offer are from a truly warm place in their hearts. But saying them is also the easier thing to do when someone is grieving. It allows you to “get in and get out.” Mourning alongside someone is messy and potentially long lasting. Take a chance. Stay alongside someone who is mourning; you are planting seeds that God will use!
