What If?

I wonder what would be different if moving forward, I ask myself the question - “What if?”. “What if, this ___(blank)_____ (blank being whatever hardship, confusion, difficulty, hurt, news, etc….) I am facing is an answer to a prayer?” I wonder if that proactive perspective, grounded in a high view of God, would change not only how I see that situation, but grow my willingness to endure it, and more importantly, change how I respond in it? 

For context, February of 2023 was a critical time in my life. Six months prior, I officially launched Built Up Ministries after a long season of wait - a decade to be exact, and what should have been a time filled with much productivity and excitement, became a time where I found myself barely holding on. Fear, overwhelm, and insecurities such as feeling not good enough, not skilled enough, etc… were weighing me down to where I felt lost and in need of practical help. After joining a women’s leadership cohort in what I thought would equip me with the knowledge and skillset I was lacking, I found something entirely different. However, what I lacked was a deeper love and understanding for the Person and work of Holy Spirit. 

In just three days of being around the spiritual leaders and mentors under this women’s cohort, I saw they had something I wanted. They had a knowledge and intimate relationship with Holy Spirit that I realized I lacked. Sure, I had spiritual giftings that I used to serve God and others, but I am talking about a closeness and reliance on the personal indwelling Helper Jesus sent to live inside of us. So instead of asking God to give me website-building knowledge, or business plans and procedures, I prayed from a new yearning for more love for Him and an understanding of what it meant to be in relationship with Him – Holy Spirit. 

And this leads me to today, and my “What if?’ question. 

Since my return from the leadership summit in California you would think my life would be all smooth sailing, but instead everything seemed to fall apart. I experienced the pain and loss of relationships, ministry partners, trusted friends and opportunities to serve God and others. Then came a season of false accusations, more betrayals and abandonments, not to mention personal attacks on my character, calling and giftings. I had endured so much pain in almost three years since my prayer, that I found myself on the verge of an emotional and spiritual breakdown.

In surveying all that had happened since walking in obedience to God’s call over my life, I asked Him why. Why was I going through so much hurt, betrayal and pain, when in faith I was trying to do His will and bring Him glory? I felt so wounded; I no longer had faith to believe good and healing could ever come this side of heaven. I was seriously considering quitting ministry altogether. In His response to my question of why, I realized now the power of asking “what if – what if these seasons are an answer to my prayer to be closer to Holy Spirit?” 

My loving Savior endured wrongful treatment – hurt, abandonment and betrayal in addition to torture on the cross over two thousand years ago. I was encountering these seasons to remind me of what Jesus went through. As a result, after the three years of pain and confusion, my heart was drawn to love my Savior more. In His response to my questions of why, and my prayer for intimacy with Holy Spirit, He reminded me He willingly surrendered to the same and more. Jesus knew the cost of the cross, but His love for me that day fueled His holy surrender. I was worth it – worth His willingness to endure all that He went through so that I may receive eternal life.

Additionally, I prayed for this. I asked for a chance to know Him more, fall in love with Him more and experience a power, presence and intimacy with Holy Spirit. He is our Helper, Advocate, Defender, Friend, Counselor, etc… and because of the things I encountered, I was able to see Him be just that. My Friend when friends left and betrayed me, my Defender when I was wrongly accused, a Helper, Advocate and Counselor through the pain and grief that threatened to undo me.  

And after opening my eyes to how all that I had endured was the answer to my prayer back in February of 2023, He asked me if I regretted it? DId I regret experiencing this new nearness of the presence and power of Holy Spirit.  I said no. Thank You Lord for doing a work in me I needed, in a way I didn’t understand. Had I known in advance how difficult this season of growth would be, I selfishly and sinfully might not have prayed that prayer.

Let us be reminded of His loving character. He is for me; He is for you. There is not a wound that He cannot heal, a wrong He can not right, but what He cannot do is make me love, trust and surrender to His process of sanctification. That will always be my choice. When I opened the door with my request, realizing I was lacking a greater knowledge and intimacy with God, He knew exactly how to accomplish it. His ways and timing are always best. I am forever grateful to the Lord.

'“For thus says the Lord : When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will visit you, and I will fulfill to you my promise and bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord , plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord , and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord , and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.' Jeremiah 29:10-14 (ESV)